Summary: Get your fat ass away, you stupid cow! I’m sure Gerard could give you a lot of advices about locking the keys on your phone before you go and try to chase a cow away from the road. Especially if there’s a chance the phone might call your new boyfriend as you do so.
Disclaimer: It'd be really witty if this happened, but I really don’t think it did.
Beta: lemmethink_nooo, because Jules Rules <33
Word Count: 870
Author Notes: Inspired by a TV commercial, written basically just to make you smile a little. I think all Norwegians here are gonna recognize it. So, thanks to Netcom! This is set before the forming of the band.
Warnings: Stupidness, and shortness.
It was an early Sunday afternoon when Gerard was driving home from the camp up in the mountains. He swore loudly in the empty car, cursing himself for ever volunteering for that damn thing, because hell, why did he think that ‘getting some fresh air’ up in the wild along with a bunch of brats would ever fulfill the advice from his therapist about relaxing for a while, away from the city stress? What should have been a weekend with fresh air as said, plus wild life adventures like fishing, canoe paddling, hunting and working with fun, adventurous kids had turned out to be a mess of mosquito bites, bear attacks, wet clothes and nasty brats. Gerard shuddered.
It was kind of nice and relaxing now, though. He was driving down some bumpy forest road, the sun was making the rain drops on the green leaves glimmer like diamonds and the birds chirped all around him. He took a deep breath, and smiled to himself. After all, he was driving home to a warm living room with a lit fireplace, hot chocolate and the most wonderful boyfriend in the existence to celebrate their two month anniversary.
Two months was fairly much by Gerard’s counting, and what a wonderful two months they had been. His smiles turned brighter at the thought of two months with romantic dates, delightful kisses and hot sex. Yeah, he was absolutely looking forward to get home.
But of course, it’s Gerard Way we’re talking about. Nothing goes along this easily for him, not with his luck. So when the road takes a turn and he’s about to drive over a little bridge, what does he meet? What is standing in his way with its fat ass eating grass like there’s no tomorrow?
A cow. Of fucking course.
And as we’ve been talking about, this is Gerard Way, and being blocked by a cow isn’t nearly enough to cover his bad luck. So when he exasperatedly gets out of his car to chase the damn cow away, he nudges the buttons of his cell phone that lays in his pocket (he always forgets to lock the keys), and the phone calls the last person on the Calls list; his boyfriend.
His boyfriend, who is sitting home at his kitchen table and chatting with his friend about how much he’s looking forward to get his boyfriend back (he also tells him about all the kinky things he has planned out for the evening, because he and Ray are close like that), gets really excited when he sees who’s calling.
“Hey honey, it’s Frankie!” he answers, smiling dumbly and winks to Ray, who just gives him a silly look and huffs a little about how in love it’s possible to be.
“You stupid cow!”
Frank almost misses a heart beat when his lover’s angry voice flares though the phone. Gerard almost misses a heart beat when the cow kicks after him, still not moving an inch away from the road.
“What?” Frank says, thinking that this joke is not fun at all.
“You stupid, stupid cow!”
“What? You’re calling me to tell me I’m a stupid cow?” Frank says, getting angry. If this is a joke, there’s gonna be no sex for Gerard tonight, that’s for sure. He gives Ray a scared look and gets a concerned frown in return.
“Get away from here, you stupid dumbfuck, you are standing in my way! I need to move forward!”
“What?” Frank hiccups, almost close to tears now. “I thought everything was fine between us?” He gets up and leans against the kitchen counter, gripping at his hair. Ray considers getting up to pat his back.
“Moooo youself!” Frank shrieks. Gerard is definitely not joking, that ass. God, he’s so angry right now. Why couldn’t that pussy have told him that he was unsatisfied with him face to face before the weekend instead of throwing it in his face now, over the fucking phone, and calling him a cow? He’s so confused; Gerard was so nice just some days ago, giving him roses and breakfast in bed and all.
“You’re so fucking stupid! Move you fat ass!”
“What? You’re calling me to tell me I got a fat ass?” Frank mumbles through clenched teeth, with a single tear now running down his cheek. He's ass is pretty fine, thank you very much.
“MOOO yourself fucker!” Frank screams into the phone before he hangs up and slams it so hard down on the counter that it breaks. He gives out an angry cry before he sinks down on the floor and tears starts to flow down his red cheeks, and Ray is there immediately to comfort him and tell him that ‘hey, Gerard didn’t deserve you anyway.’
The cow moves away eventually, oblivious to the slamming doors and desperate explaining through shut windows there is to come for the weird man that tried to shove him away from the tasteful daisies he’d been enjoying so peacefully. But maybe it had been happy to hear that everything went fine at last, and that it would be mentioned in dinner parties and wedding rehearsals for years to come as ‘the cow that almost split them apart,’ and that Pete Wentz wanted to write a song about it years later when he heard that he called The Cow Almost Got In The Way Of My Friends’ Love, But They’re Still Getting It On In My Bunk, but Gerard thought that that was taking it all a bit too far.